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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian
( 10/17/2009 5:58:31 PM)
Rating:
3.70
old creepy Nazi bastards
Genre:
Suspense
Starring:
Some Dude, That Guy Who's Playing Magneto, "Mental" Geller From Friends
Plot:
Based on the Stephen King story of the same name, a spoiled brat yuppie bastard high school kid finds a Nazi in his neighborhood and blackmails him into telling about the whole Nazi experience. It's a bit formulaic and predictable at points, but for the most part, it's a highly original and unsettling film.
Also, the film is actually based on the story Stephen King wrote. Which is very surprising given King's track record of movie "adaptations" at the time this movie was made.
Viewing Advice:
If you're looking for a scary and creepy flick in the psychodrama dept. rent this. If you're expecting Stevo to spring a mutant telekinetic or devil car or something on you, then maybe you should go with another of his flicks.
Ron Howard is the Opie of the masses
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian
( 10/18/2009 4:22:26 PM)
Rating:
3.80
tax returns (bazinga!)
Genre:
Comic Book/Horror
Starring:
Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristopherson, Norman "hey, I was in Boondock Saints!" Reedus, Ron "I spent several years in beast makeup on TV but I look freakier without it on!" Perlman, and weapons. Lots and lots of bladed weapons.
Plot:
Blade finds out that Whistler, his old mentor is being kept alive by vampires, so he rescues him, along with his new mechanic sidekick (Reedus). But there's more than a simple rescue mission afoot here. A new strain of evil mutant vampire has arisen, and it feeds on humans AND vampires! Blade ends up leading a squad of vampire hunter-hunting vampires in a desperate mission to kill off these new ubervamps before they spread too far to be contained.
Viewing Advice:
Watch this movie, preferably with the brightness turned up a little, because a lot of this movie takes place in dark blue-lit sets. Then watch it with the commentary!
GENERAL ADVICE: Pay your taxes.
Ron Howard is the Opie of the masses
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian
( 12/17/2009 5:12:26 PM)
Rating:
3.20
undead levitating skanks
Genre:
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Starring:
Commissioner Gordon, Hannibal Lecter, Neo, Spock's mom
Plot:
You know this story. Gary Oldman is Dracula, the undead vampiric prince of the night. And he spends the first part of the movie living up to his last name as Theodore S Logan Esquire travels to Transylvania to help the evil undead Commissioner Gordon move to London.
After pricking his finger, and seeing Dracula go all semi orgasmic at the blood, Neo decides to, instead of backing out of the room and running like hell, go ahead and stay in Dracula's castle, where he is assailed by the levitating lesbian threeway from Meat Loaf's I Would Do Anything For Love video.
Despite these travails, they arrive at London and Commissioner Gordon is a huge hit with London society and it looks like he will take over Old Blighty uncontested, until famed vampire hunter Hannibal Lecter comes in to kill him.
Can Hannibal Lecter, the dude from Speed and some other people stop Commissioner Gordon's nefarious plot to create an army of bat-men?
Viewing Advice:
This movie is fun, but not great enough to warrant re-watching, so it's a definite rental.
Ron Howard is the Opie of the masses
|
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian
( 10/26/2009 6:15:23 PM)
Rating:
2.80
adamantium lightsabers
Genre:
Psychological thriller
Starring:
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Wolverine
Plot:
Ewan Mcgregor is an accountant quietly wishing he had a more interesting life. Then he befriends a lawyer played by Hugh Jackman who gets him involved with a crazy underground sex club.
The Obi-Wannabe has a few awkward encounters, including one with an old chick. Then he meets the girl that makes him break the rules of the sex club (no names, no business talk, not feeding your sex partners after midnight, no talking about Fight Club, messing with the Zohan, etc).
Of course, this relationship goes disasterously wrong and now McGregor must try to save his new girlfriend and figure out the truth behind Jackman's agenda.
My main complaint about this movie is the plan, which when it is revealed, is somewhat unbelievable. It relies on Ewan falling for this girl, but really there's no way that could have reliably been foreseen. What's to say he wouldn't have followed the rules of the sex club more dilligently? Or that he wouldn't have fallen for some other girl in the sex swinger circuit? Or that he wouldn't have gone nuts and started hacking off hands with his lightsaber? But still, if you can get past this hail mary pass of a plot, the film is fairly entertaining.
Viewing Advice:
This movie starts out slow, but gets more interesting about midway through.
Also, you might wanna fast forward past Kenobi banging the old chick. There's not much really relevant plotwise in that bit.
Of course, you might just want to watch that movie where Wolverine and Batman fight each other with magic. It's much better.
Ron Howard is the Opie of the masses
|
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian
( 10/17/2009 5:30:21 PM)
Rating:
3.50
cheap corpse masks
Genre:
Schlock Horror
Starring:
Bruce Campbell and four other people
Plot:
A bunch of college kids go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, dig up an old reel to reel tape player which contains the spell for calling demons and basically giving them clearance to kill you in whatever horrible way they want. So of course, they play the tape, demons come, and gradually kill and possess them. Unless you are really a fan of the franchise, you can probably do without this film. It's not all that bad, but Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn was much better. It had more humor to it, whereas this was attempting (at least I think it was) to be a serious horror flick. Kinda hard to take a film seriously when the zombies all look like they got their makeup at the K-Mart Halloween rack. I've seen a lot of these college kids vs. the slasher/demon/whatever flicks and I always wonder how the morons from those movies ever got into college in the first place.
Viewing Advice:
If it's on TV, then watch it. You probably don't want to order the video (which I did. oops)
Ron Howard is the Opie of the masses
|
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian
( 10/17/2009 5:27:03 PM)
Rating:
3.50
flea colalrs
Genre:
Horror
Starring:
Mario Van Peebles
Plot:
Mario Van Peebles is a good cop! Er, sorry, I just love using that phrase. Saw too many bad 80's cop movies as a kid, I guess. Anyway, he is a good cop, and so is his partner, who gets all shot up and is probably gonna die. Then someone gives him a serum and he's suddenly fully healed and exhibiting superhuman abilities.
Mario is about the only one who thinks this is odd. Hey, you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on Mario. Just ask Chris Lambert. He almost lost his head to the MVP in Highlander III.
Anyway, Mario's partner ends up killing himself, and Mario ends up joining the same super-werewolf squad that his partner couldn't handle being involved with. OK, remember what I said earlier about the MVP? Well, uh, maybe I spoke too soon. At any rate, Mario soon finds that the creepy European guy who set up the whole operation has a hidden agenda (oh really?).
Viewing Advice:
This is a not a very good film, in terms of any great cinematic quality, but it is a fun film to watch. And in the end, isn't that all that matters. If you want a good action movie with superpowered werewolf cops to wile away 2 hours of a boring weeknight, then this is a damn good choice.
Ron Howard is the Opie of the masses
|
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian
( 10/17/2009 5:22:36 PM)
Rating:
3.50
head-loppings
Genre:
Fantasy
Starring:
Christopher Lambert, Mario Van Peebles
Plot:
Highlander III: We Can Learn From Our Mistakes! is what this should have been called. For those of you put off by H2:TQ, do not worry. There is no Zeist, no aliens, and no Sean Connery's ghost ("Help me Obi-Wan 007"). This is an entertaining movie, but I must say I prefered the first movie. Anyway, the basic plot is that some dude (I forget the name, but he was the guy played by Peebles) killed Mac's Japanese mentor but got trapped in an avalanche. Hundreds of years later, he emerges (thanks to excavation) and tries to kill Macleod. Peebles is really evil looking and has a creepy voice too, so he really works as a villain. There is plenty of comic relief though, particulary the mental ward escape scene. One thing was disappointing though: no Queen music in the soundtrack.
One thing puzzled me though. The Prize was supposed to make Connor really powerful, but he wasn't. Maybe the answer was in H2: TQ, which means I may have to watch it :(
OK, one other thing puzzles me. When you kill an Immortal you get his power, and we saw Peebles use that Japanese dude's illusion power, but how come we never see MacLeod (either one) using the funky powers of all those dudes THEY killed?
Viewing Advice:
Yes, give this movie a shot. This is not a great movie, but it is a good movie.
Ron Howard is the Opie of the masses
|
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian
( 10/19/2009 7:35:35 AM)
Rating:
3.20
pointless voiceovers
Genre:
Comedy drama based on real events
Starring:
Jason Bourne, the time traveller who ruined Star Trek, a bunch of people in suits
Plot:
Matt Damon is Mark Whitacre, a goofy ADM exceutive who blows the whistle on a large price fixing scheme, goes undercover for the FBI and is an effective but amusingly bumbling undercover mole for the feds. Then, things start to fall apart, as Mark kind of becomes unglued. Quite frankly, the whole story is kind of ludicrously unbelievable. Which is quite common of stories based on things that really happened, apparently. People who make up their stories can't get away with the same hack writing that reality can, apparently.
The actual movie itself was pretty good. Damon is funny, Scott Bakula makes a great straight-man for his antics, and there is a certain amount of suspense in the film over what will become of Mark Whitacre. My one complaint is the voiceovers. You see, the movie has these voiceovers throughout of Damon musing, as Whitacre, about inane stuff. It's like the voiceover musings that Ed Norton did in Fight Club. Except those were good and helped push the movie along. The random voiceover observations in the Informant, on the other hand, just dragged me out of the picture. Looking back, I think maybe it wasn't so much that they were bad in this movie, but that there were too many of them.
Actually, the movie kind of reminded me, stylistically, of another film adaptation of a Chuck Palasomethignorother book, Choke. Sure Matt Damon wasn't faking choking to death in restaurants to make connections, but he had the same sort of lost craziness to him, and the film had the same sort of dark yet funny path to self-destructiveness.
Come to think of it, he did mention in a random musing that he saved a guy from choking in a restaurant and gets a card from him. I wonder if it was the guy from Choke. That'd be something.
Viewing Advice:
I'd say this movie is worth a look, as a rental or on cable. But I would not advise buying the DVD. Unless they have some good features.
Also, if you're a Transformer's fan, pay attention to the scene with Whitacre's dad in it. That's what Megatron and Soundwave really look like!
Ron Howard is the Opie of the masses
|
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