[DEEP 13]
Dr. Rikonister is sitting at a workbench,
a large brightly colored boxed labeled "ACME Do-It-Yourself
Darth Maul Lightsaber Kit" is off to the side. "Ah,
there that just about does it, not I just put in the 4 AA
batteries and screw in the cap and, presto, my new lightsaber is
complete! And to think the Sith rejected my mebership application!
I'll show them all! BWAHAHAHA!"
TV's Flash comes into the room. "Oh cool! A lightsaber!"
He grabs it out of Rikonisters hand, "Ah, this is the end
with the lense, so it goes out, ah there we go, now to find the
switch..."
Dr. R: "Uh, Flash, that's a double... oh never mind"
TV's Flash *flips switch and starts swinging it around* "Ouch!
What the?!" *Falls over as he had just sliced himself in
half.
Dr. R: "Oops, Ah, AnubisXy Nelson. I bet you thought I'd
forgotten about you and your robot friends..."
[SOL]
AnubisXy Nelson: "Uh, no not really... damn!"
[DEEP 13]
Dr. R.: "Well, while I reanimate my assistant (again), you can keep yourlsef busy with the Empire Swanks Back... If you enjoy this half as much as the writer enjoyed writing it... then he enjoyed it twice as much as you did! Ha!"
[SOL]
Rikronian T Robot: "Ah, dammit, not
another AnubisXy message board post!"
AX: "Hey come on, Kro, he writes good stuff"
Tee Servo: "Well, as long as he doesn't start that 'swanky'
scrap again..."
Chaos, confusion, bright light, etc.
All: "Aaaah! We have Swanky-Sign!"
Episode V
Tee Servo: The Empire are our friends....
The Empire Swanks Back
Tee Servo: Damn!
The Cast
Princess Leia: Anya - Princess Anya
Darth Vader: CyberMessiah - Cyber Vader
C-3PO: Gryphon - G-3Ryphono
R2-D2: Ottergame - Otter2-D2
Luke Skywalker: AnubisXy - Anubis Xywalker
Rikronian: Boo!
AX: HEY!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Rikonain - Obi-Wan Rikonian
Han Solo: Tee-Moss - Tan Mosso
Chewbacca: Edopode - Chedopacca
Whompa Ice Creature: BazookaMon: BazookaMon Ice Creature
Tee Servo: "It's called a 'Wompa'.
Sheesh, you'd think this guy would know that!"
Rikronian: "Hey Tee, Anubis likes to Wompa when Teletubbioes
are on..., hehe"
AX: "Hey! You swore you'd never tell anyone about that... Er,
I mean, I don't know what you're talking about!"
Stormtroopers: Stormax (duh) - Stormaxers
Captain Piett: Gideon (because he got a crappy part last time) Captain Gideon
Admiral Ozzel: Star Marshal Kibble: Admiral Kibble
All: OZZEL!
Rikronian: "Play Ironman!!!"
General Veers: Goodyear: General Goodyear
It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their base and presued them across the Galaxy.
Tee Servo: "They 'presued' them?!"
Rikronian: "Well, yeah, you can't jsut sue a Rebel, you
gotta presue them first"
Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, and a group of freedom fighters led by Anubis Xywalker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Thoth
The evil lord Cyber Vader, obsessed with finding young Xywalker, has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space.
AX: "Why does Vader want to find
XyWalekr so badly again?"
Rikronian: "I think he wants to probe him."
All: "Eeeew!"
[Scene opens up. An Imperial Star Destroyer is flying through space. Suddenly it releases dozens of probes. One of them lands on the planet Thoth, creating a large explosion. The probe suddenly gets up, starts hovering, and begins chanting, “All Hail the Cyber Vader.”]
[Switch scene. Anubis XyWalker is riding an animal that is clearly a claymation type thing. He looks aroudn and suddenly sees an asteroid hit. He pulls out his comlink.]
Tee Servo: "He looks 'aroudn'? What
the hell?"
AX: "Hey come on, let's skip the grammer flares for onc,e OK?"
Tee Servo: "Hey, you put your comma INSIDE the word 'once',
what's up with that?"
AX: "We're skipping those remember?"
Anubis Xywalker: “Gecko3 to Gecko5, come in Tan, you read me?”
Tee Servo: "Yes and that tatto is kinda lame"
Tan Mosso: “Unfortunatly kid unfortunatly. Now what the hell do you want? I’m busy.”
Anubis: “There’s a meteor that hit the ground near here. I wanna check it out. I won’t take long.”
Rikronian: "I hope it's a droid that fries that punk's sorry ass!"
Tan: “So why the hell are you telling me? Christ kid, I hope that meteor is an imperial droid and it fries your sorry ass.”
Rikronian: "Hey! He stole my line!"
Tee Servo: "Your'e not going to start that again, sheesh"
Anubis: “Hey! That’s not nice! Why are you so mean to me?”
Tee Servo: "Maybe because you're a
dumbass..."
AX: "Hey!"
Tan: “Because, you are a dumbass.”
Tee Servo: "Hey! He stole MY line
now!"
AX: "Lighten up, guys"
Anubis: “Oh…………… HEY!!!”
AX: "My line too?!"
Rikronian: "Yes, but you gotta admit, XyWalker IS a dumbass"
[Tan rides off on his Claymation Animal. Suddenly, a BazookaMon Ice Creature rears up and smacks Anubis upside the head! Anubis falls to the ground and the BazookaMon kills off the Claymation Animal! The BazookaMon drags Anubis by his feet (incidentally banging his head on some rocks]
Tee Servo: "At least he didn't hit anything important"
[Switch scene to the secret Reble Base. Tan rides in there on his Claymation Animal and walks over to where Chedopacca is working on the Millenium Faulcen. Chedo cusses Tan out for being late, and Tan goes off to report in. He walks up to some NPC guy.]
Tan: “Well, the sensors are in place. You’ll know if anything comes by.”
NPC Commander: “Bodacious! Has Anubis Xywalker reported in yet?”
Tan “Not that I know of. He’s checking out a meteor that landed nearby.”
NPC Commander: “With any luck another one will land on his head.”
Tan: “Damn right. Anyway guy, I gotta take off. I got a price on my head. I gotta pay of Jabba or else.”
Rikronian: "Yeah, 50 cents. But you
get a shoulder for just 20 cents"
Tee Servo: "He pays, of Jabba, what does THAT mean?"
AX: "Maybe all his money has Jabba's picture on it, how the
hell should I know?!"
NPC Commander: “Alright, a head isn’t an easy thing to live with. You’re a good fighter Mosso, I hate to lose you.”
Tan: “Yo dumbass, I’m not SELLING Jabba my head, I am going to give him some cash!”
AX: "Yeah, if Jabba wants to buy
some head he'll have to get Dr. Bang to point him to a good head
shop"
Rikronian: "Yeah, or get Bill Clinton to point him to a good
intern, hehe!"
AX: "Kro, you're not going to start that up again are you?"
NPC Commander: “Oh… well… uhh… huh..”
Tee Servo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this concluded Masterpiece Theatre's presention of Rebels on Toilets"
[Tan walks over to Princess Anya]
Tan: “Well your highness, I guess this is it.”
Anya: “Yeah, I guess it is…”
Tan: "Well don't get all mushy on me."
[Tan walks out and Anya follows him]
Tee Servo: "That's a good idea guys,
let's walk out!"
AX: "Hey, it's not THAT bad!"
Tan: “Bah, you just want me to stay because of the way you feel about me.”
Rikronian: "Nautious?"
AX: "Annoyed?"
Tee Servo: "Hey! Tan Mosso is cool!"
Rikronian: "Yeah and this is great writing"
AX: "Ha, he told you Tee, I -- HEY!"
Anya: “What? What are you saying?”
Tan: “Give us a kiss!”
Rikronian: "What's this 'us' crap?
Who is is getting involved there?"
Tee Servo: "Oh yeah, any time a chick wants to get with Tan
Mosso it's gotta be a threesoem with the Wookiee. Part of that
whole life debt thing"
Anya: “I’d just as soon kiss CyberMessiah!”
All: "Eeeeeewww!!!"
[Suddenly, Tan begins to shake horribly.]
Tan: “Ugh, you don’t mean that do you?”
Anya: “Ugh no, not at all… I don't know what came over me”
Rikronian: "Well, maybe it was..
mph!"
AX (holding Kro's beak shut once again): "Low Kro, really
low"
Tan: “Good…”
[Tan continues walking back to his ship.]
[Switch scene. G3-ryphano and Otter2-D2 are cruising through the base in their Lowrider, trying to pick up droid chicks.]
Tee Servo: "And all the girlies say
Otter2D2's a hoody frood for a white droid"
AX: "That didn't even rhyme right!"
Tee Servo: "Hey, they can't all be golden"
Rikronian: "Yeah, besides that otehr droid is golden and
look how annoying HE is"
G3-Ryphano: “You know something Otter?”
Tee Servo (As Otter): "Nope not a thi9ng, thanks for asking though"
[Otter2-D2 makes some weird noises]
Rikronian: "Yo quero Taco bell"
G3-Ryphano: “Anubis Xywalker never did get us those Swankyhot droid chicks. You know what this means don’t you?”
[Otter2-D2 nods]
G3-Ryphano: “Revenge! How dare he lie to us! We’re going to get even with him for that!”
Tee Servo & Rikronian: "YES!!!
Kill the wormie twerp!"
AX: "Hey, XyWalker is a cool hero!"
[G3-Ryphano and Otter2-D2 pull up beside Tan Mosso and Chedopacca. The two are screaming and yelling at one another.]
G3-Ryphano: “Yo, Princess Anya has been tyring to contact you on the comunicater.”
Tan: “I don’t wanna talk to her. She said she wants to kiss CyberMessiah.”
[Otter2-D2’s head suddenly starts spinning around and suddenly smoke starts coming out of him.]
Tee Servo: "Hey! Dr. Bang is hiding in there!"
Tan: “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Anyway, what does she want?”
G3-Ryphano: “She is holding a party because Anubis Xywalker still hasn’t come back yet.”
Tan: “Alright! He got hit in the head with a meteorite! Haha, hot damn!”
Tee Servo (singing): "When you wish upon a falling star... it'll come down fromt eh shy and kill that little wormie twerp!"
G3-Ryphano: “Well, we aren’t sure he is gone.. it’s possible though.”
Tan: “What? What do you mean it’s possible? I want to know for sure!”
[Tan races out and gets on a Ton-Ton and starts taking it outside]
AX: "That would be 4,000 lb then? He must have a high PS rating right?"
G3-Ryphano: “Where are you going?”
Rikronian: "Probably in his uniform. I can't imagine anyone unzipping in that frozen climate"
Tan: “To see Anubis’ body for myself!”
Rikronian: "Sick! First Anya wants
to make out with CyberMessiah and now Mosso wants to check out
XyWalker?!"
Tee Servo: "That's NOT what he meant and you know it!"
G3-Ryphano: “But sir, your Ton-Ton will freeze before you reach the first marker!”
Tan: “Then I’ll see you in hell!”
AX: "And rememebr to use Charter Travel Group when planning your summer vacation in Hell"
[Tan races outside to make sure Anubis is really dead.]
[New Scene. Anubis Xywalker is hanging by his feet upside down. He looks around for a bit.]
Anubis: “Oh crap.”
[Suddenly, AnubisXy sees his Swanksaber on the floor. Using the Swank, he manages to summon it to him. He activates the Swanksaber and cuts himself free. Suddenly, the BazookaMon sees him and attacks!]
Tee Servo: "Wouldn't it have been more realistic if he also cut off both feet?"
BazookaMon: “ROAR!!!”
Tee Servo: "Look out XyWalker! It's a short blond Irish guy with a sword!"
Anubis: “OH MY GOD!!!”
Rikronian: "Yes?"
[Anubis tries to stab BazookaMon with the lightsaber and rolls… ok, he rolls a 12 to attack. The BazookaMon manages a 18 to dodge. Next combat round.
AX: "What the? These two only have
one melee attack each?"
Tee Servo: "Well, we are talking about XyWalker here"
The BazookaMon attacks Anubis with a.. wow, a modified 27! Anubis tries to parry… WOW! Natural 20! Ok, Anubis got REAL lucky this time. Next round. Anubis attacks.. wow, a 2… ok, the BazookaMon laughs at the wussy attack roll and parries with… OUCH! A natural 1! Ok, the BazookaMon suddenly stops laughing as it’s arm is chopped off! Anubis, scared $hitless now, runs outside the cave. Suddenly he falls down and starts freezing to death. Abruptly, Obi-Wan Rikonian appears!!]
Obi-Wan Rikonain: “Anubis… Anubis….”
[Anubis looks up]
Anubis: “Ben… Ben…?”
Rikronian: "No, he was on Dream On, you stupid twit!"
Obi-Wan: “Hahaha you dumbass! Now you are going to die!! Hahaha! Man, won’t Yoda be happy now?”
Anubis: “Yoda?”
Rikonian: “Yeah, he lives out on Dagobah.. he is the Jedi Master who trained me… but that doesn’t matter because now you will die!”
AX: "Yoda used a bit of newspaper
there didn't he?"
Rikronian (holding hand up in a shaking fist gesture): "Hey,
don't mess with Obi-Wan"
AX (choking): "Gack! Ack! Gasp! I, ugh, thought that was ,
ugh, Dark Side power!"
Rikronian: "Duh! Like you could hang around with me this
long and not know I'm Dark Side! Some people!"
[Anubis reaches up, but sudenlly Tan Mosso appears riding on a Claymation Animal. He sees Anubis lying on the floor and starts dancing around.]
Tan: “He’s dead! He’s dead! Now what horrible things can I do to his corpse…. I know!”
AX: "Oh my god! This is going to be one of THOSE Internet stories! Yuch!"
[Suddenly the Ton-Ton drops over dead, so Tan pulls out the Swanksaber and chops the Ton-Ton open. Then he stuffs Anubis’ body inside]
AX: "New XyWalker and TonTon crescent rolls, from Hot Pockets!"
Tan: “Hehe.. he would be pi$$ed knowing I did that… oh well, gotta go build the shelter..”
Rikronian: "Never heard it called
that before..."
Tee Servo: "Not EVERYTHING is an innuendo you know!"
[Next morning some ships drop by and rescue Tan and Anubis. They take them back to base. There Anubis is found to still be alive. They decide to heal him in order to subject him to horrible torture later on. Tan and Anya have a fight and then go out side. There they are met by the NPC Captain.]
NPC Captain: “Princes… Tan… we have a visitor.”
Rikronian: "He is our friend..."
Tee Servo: "We already used that joke"
AX: "Hey, it's that dude from Northern Exposure!" (notices
blank looks) "What? They did a show calle dthe Visitor witht
hat dude from Northen Exposure and it... oh never mind"
Anya and Tan at the same time: “Oh?”
Rikronian: "I'd liek to hear her
story again"
AX: "Kro!"
NPC Captain: “Yeah, we don’t know what the hell it is. Why don’t you and Chedo go check it out?”
Anya: “Ok, Chedo, come with me.”
Tan: “Hey! Wait, Chedo is MY partner.. he’s commin with me!”
NPC Captain: “Why don’t you all go?”
Tee Servo: "See I told you,
threesome"
AX: "YOur'e jsut as bad as Kro, don't encourage him"
Princess and Tan: “Ok..”
[Change scene.. the three heros are out there when suddenly the droid appears. They take pot shots at one another...
AX: "Wow, Dr. Bang is in a lot of this fanfic!"
...before Tan puts it down with a well placed blaster shot. Then he calls back to base.]
Tee Servo (as Tan Mosso): "Hey droid, you're ugly! Pow!"
Tan: “Ok, that was a probe droid allright. The Empire knows we are here.”
[Change scene. A half dozen imperial Star Destroyers and a Super Star Destroyer all float through space. The Imperial March music plays. Cyber Vader is marching around on the ship, and some of his lackies are standing around. Suddenly, some minor nobody calls out to Admiral Kibbel. Kibbel goes over and sees Captain Gideon standing there.]
Gideon: “Sir, we have picked up a message from one of the probes in the Thoth system.”
Rikronian: "Poor Thoth, the Empire
keeps putting probed up into his system"
Tee Servo: "Hey, even I think that was bad
Kibble: “Bah, don’t be rediculous!”
[Suddenly Vader walks down there.]
Cyber Vader: “What have you found?”
Kibble: “Nothing Lord Vader… well…”
Gideon: “We found these settlements on the Thoth planet.”
[Gideon calls up some pictures on the computer.]
Rikronian (as Gideon): "As you can see, this is what Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine would look like naked and lickign each other"
Vader: “They are there.. and Xywalker is with them.”
AX: "Wow! XyWalker is with Captain
Janeway and Seven of Nine? Cool!"
Tee Servo: "Yeah, but he jsut got lost on the way to Paris'
room"
AX: "Hey!"
[Scene change again. Back in the Thoth base, everyone is getting ready to go. Xywalker walks over to Chedopacca.]
Anubis: “Excuse me, but where’s the bathroom? I gotta go… bad…”
Tee Servo: "Just follow British pop sensation George Michael"
[Chedo points off over somewhere and Anubis starts heading in that direction. Suddenly one of the techs runs out, grabs Anubis and stuffs him in an X-Wing.]
Anubis: “WAIT! I gotta go to the bathroom! Damnit, not again!”
AX: "What he doesn't know is that due to cutbacks, the X-Wings are the bathrooms"
[Switch scene yet again. The Imperial fleet is flying throug hyperspace. Suddenly, Cyber Vader appears. He is sitting in some kind of meditation chamber talking to General Goodyear.]
Goodyear: “Lord, we have detected an energy field around the 6th planet in the Thoth System.”
Rikronian (as Goodyear): "It's the
Van Halen belt, we are readying hyperdrives"
Tee Servo (as CyberVader): "Then we should... Jump! Go ahead
and jump!"
Vader: “Admiral Kibble has brought the fleet out of Hyperspace too close to the system. He is as clumsy as he is stupid. General Goodyear, prepare your troops for a ground assault.”
Goodyear: “Yes Lord.”
[Goodyear leaves and Vader turns on a screen. There Admiral Kibble and Captain Gideon are standing. Admiral Kibble turns towards the screen.]
Kibble: “Ahh, Lord Vader, the ships have come out of hyperspa…ce… an…”
[Suddenly he begins to choke.]
AX: "His chicken!"
Rikronian: "His chi--- what the hell?"
Vader: “You have failed me for the last time Admiral. Captain Gideon.”
Gideon: “Yes Lord?”
Vader: “You are now in command. Admiral”
Gideon: “Uhh.. thank you Lord Vader.”
[Then the screen goes black
Tee Servo: "Whew, it's over!"
and we switch to a new scene.]
Tee Servo: "God damn it!!!"
Ok, to see how everything is looking on Thoth, go take a look at the cover or Rifts Canada. Basically, that’s what it looks like.
AX: "So it looks liek G.I. Joe?"
Anyway, lets make this short. The Imprial Walkers are walking along when all of a sudden, Rogue Group flies out.
AX: "Don't touch them! They'll
steal your powers and put you in a coma!"
Rikronian: "I could go for a whoel group of Rogues, throw in
a few Jean Greys and a Zealot or two..."
Some how or another, Anubis somehow got into Rogue Leaders snow speeder! Uh oh, it looks like he’s in charge. The speeders shoot the walkers, but not too much happens so they start using harpoons. Anubis’ gunner, Ahab is quite good.
Tee Servo: "For an Arab"
He manages to take down 2 walkers. Anyway, worst comes to worst and Anubis crashes and Ahab gets smashed by a Walker.
Rikronian (as Chuck Norris): "The whale sent me to smash you"
Meanwhile in the base, the Imperials march on in led by Cyber Vader. Tan grabs the princess, G3-Ryphano, and Chedopacca and takes them all in the falcon. They blast off for outerspace. Meanwhile, Anubis hops into an X-wing (He is trying to get the hell out of there) and takes off as well. He announces to Otter20D2 (his co-pilot) that they are going to Dagobah.
Alright, in outerspace, the Falcon is being chased by no less than 3 Imperial Star Destroyers and a squad of ties. Without much choice, they are forced to fly into a big hole.
AX: "Dont' say it, Kro!"
Rikronian: "What?"
What will happen in this hole? Will it turn out to have a giant mutant space slug?
Rikronian: "I thought XyWalker was
a giant mutant space slug"
Tee Servo: "Nah, he's an average sized mutant space slug"
Rikronian: "Ah, I see"
Will Anubis even make it to Dagobah? Will he meet Yoaura? The world may never know… but you will if you stay tuned for the next exciting episode, in our ongoing series, Swank Wars!!! (I'll probably post it later today, or early tomarrow. For sure I'll have the whole thing done on Friday)
Tee Servo: "Suuuure you will...."
AnubisXy Nelson and the bots leave the station
[BRIDGE]
Rikronian: "Whew, and to think it's only 33% done!"
AX: "Hey, the hex field is opening!"
Hex field opens. In the window we see a bunch of guys in cheaply constructed Starfleet uniforms.
AX: "Uh guys, sorry but this is a MSTing of a Star WARS fanfic, not Star Trek"
Trek guy: "Oh, OK, sorry"
Hex field closes