THE RIKONIAN WAR
THE EPILOGUE
NOTE: Orignally, I was going to have this be a horrid bloodbath where most of the characters died. Then I realized the sequel would be seriously limited, so I toned this chapter down a bit.
Murdly stood in one of the many Great Halls, talking with Doktor der Schwärzung. "Listen, Doc. I've been thinking, and I think that maybe it's time I made my move. I should be leading this empire, not that Rikonian freak!"
"Hmm, yez, perhapz there iz need for a new leader..." The Doktor mused. And that leader will be me, not, you, numbdice, he added silently.
Just then, the Lord High Rikonian drifted into the hall. "Murdly, Doktor, I have an assignment for you. There is a crystal in this realm. It is the only thing that can defeat me. I want you two to find it for me."
"Um, I think that we... wait a minute... er yes, of course we will find this crystal!" Murdly said with a glint in his eye.
When the Lord High Rikonian drifted out of the room, the Doktor turned to Murdly. "Aha! Ze fates are surely smiling on us. I vill, er I mena, you vill, be a great leader. Oh, that must hurt, you have a glint stuck in your eye!"
* * *
The Norse God of Thunder was angry. "Bah! We should attack now! Thor doth not know the meaning of the word patience!"
"Um, patience is the ability to wait for thing to happen without getting anxious or --- GAACK!" Knight's comment was silenced by Thor slamming Mjolnir into his throat.
"That is an expression!" Thor shouted.
"Look, as your new leader, I just think we should plan. I mean, we already lost Enterres and Ronin!" Flash Fighter explained. "Besides, Riktalon said that we should wait a few more minutes before going in.
"That's another thing!" Thor shouted. "I should be leader! Besides, how do we even know we can trust that elf?!"
At that moment, Riktalon walked into the room, pointed at the ceiling, and making a circling motion with his finger. Suddenly, a circle of shimmering light appeared on the ceiling.
* * *
Iron Knight used his bionic eyes to scan for the elusive DeadBoy and his companions. "Aha! There they are! Let's get them!"
"We would have got them quicker if Mav wasn't such a coward!" Alexander Krieg muttered.
"Hey!" Mav responded, "Who the hell wouldn't be scared of the Norse God of Thunder?!"
"Yeah, especially in pumps and a miniskirt! *snicker*"
"Um, actually, Krieg, that makes it a bit scarier," Iron Knight said.
"Oh yeah, I didn't think of that."
* * *
"Billy Bob Coffin!" the disembodied head of AnubisXy said for the 50th time that morning.
"Will you shut the (deleted by CDA) up?!" Sheriff BIlly Bob Coffin said, also for the 50th time that morning.
"So, Billy Beer, whatcha doin?"
"I'm trying to write Millenial Suburb, but a certain disembodied head won't let me finish!"
"I thought it was Century Fortress!"
"Yeah, but KS didn't like that title either. Rikonian siad if this keeps up, he's gonna write a random title generator for me."
"Hey, listen Billy Bob Thornton Coffin, you're a cool guy,a nd I hate to do this, but..." The jar holding Anubis' head shattered. The head leaped at Billy Bob Coffin's neck and the spine borrowed into his shoulder, making him a two headed man!
"Guurgck!" Billy Bob said.
"Billy Bob?" Alli Coffin called from downstairs, "are you writing or are you playing with that creepy Weird Al toy you brought home this week?"
"Honey!" Billy Bob said exasperatedly, "it's not a Weird Al toy! It's the head of an evil necromancer who kept ripping on my name! And it's currently burrowing its spine into my neck, so I'll have to talk to you later!"
"Hmmph! You and your toys! You'll do anything to put off finishing Decade City State!"
"It's Annual Province, or, I mean, I oh gods, I give up! Come on, Anubis, let's go fight some people, I need a break!"
"Now you're talkin' BIlly Joe McAllister Coffin!"
* * *
"Ah yes, well chum, we have defeated the evil rapscalions and stopped their foul shenanigans!" DeadBoy proudly exclaimed.
"Um, didn't we just run away?" Snake countered.
"Um, yeah, but we er, ran away for JUSTICE!"
"Even you don't believe that, do you?"
"No."
"Well, we better be prepared to run away for justice again," Prosek said, "because Mav's team has caught up with us again!"
"I know!" DeadBoy shouted as he grabbed Prosek's arm and started dragging him along, "Let's jump into that rift on the floor!"
"Um, I don't think that' such a... goood. er... oh the hell with it!" Snake said as he followed DeadBoy into the portal.
* * *
"Damn!" Krieg shouted. "We had them cornered and they got away!"
"Any clues?" Mav asked.
"None. The only thing here is this shimmering portal! Now where the hell did they get to?"
* * *
Murdly and the Doktor had travelled along the dark canyon for hours, but they finally found the cavern holding the crystal. Murdly reached out for it. Suddenly, a vocie came from the darkness. "Stop right now!"
Murdly turned and saw a humanoid rat step from the darkness. "I am Rodimus Rat. You damn Rikonian bastards kileld my mentor, but not before he taught me some fo the sacred necromancy! Let us see hwo you fare vs. Willaim the COnqueror!"
The rat create said a few words and then a bony hand clawed forth from the ground. Then another. Soon a skeletal form lifted itself fromt eh ground. It wore a set of green tights with ruffled shoulders.
"That doesn't look like William the Conqueror..." Rodimus said concernedly.
"That is because I am not! I am William Shakespeare!" The undead thing eyes Murdly. "And first I will kill the lawyers!" he said as he drew a rapier and ran the attourney through.
"Ack! *gurgle* Killed for a lame and hopelessly obscure Skakespeare ref. I am undone!" Murdly cried out. Then he reached down, zipped his fly, and collapsed, dead.
"Oh vell, you von't be needing zis!" the Doktor said as he grabbed the crystal and ran like hell.
* * *
DeadBoy, Snake and Prosek fell out of the shimmering portal on the ceiling, landing painfully on a table in the Dry Gulch Inn. "Dammit, I just had that table fixed from that brawl last week!" Michael Tong, the proprietor said.
Just then, a robed figure walked in.
"Hey, it looks like some kinda messiah or something, only it's part mechanical!"
"Yeah!" someone else said. "It's like a messiahborg!"
The messiahborg stood before them. "Behold! For I shall lead you to --- ARGH!"
"Uh, why would we want to go to Argh?" Knight asked.
The messiahborg fell over. Its wires had been chewed out and its coolant lines ruptured. A strange creature skittered off its back.
Michael Tong turned to one of the customers. "Hey, Hawthorne!"
"That's the Midnght Kid to you"
"Yeah, whatever, did you give any food to that cute furry little animal we keep in the back?"
"I just gave it part of one of my Snickers bars. Why?"
"Dammit man! You know that those things turn into monsters if they eat after Midnght!"
* * *
As Riktalon opened a gateway to the main realm of Rikonia, THoth came running up. "Listen! I believe that I am destined to assit you in your quest!" The heroes stepped through.
On the other side, they found themselves inside the Great Hall of the Rikonian. He was sitting in his throne, with Mer Mei at his side.
"Wow, when you make a portal, you don't mess around!" FlashFighter said.
"You are expected!" The Lord High Rikonian said. He reached down to the cooler beside his throne and pulled out a fresh can of root beer. "Want some?" he asked.
"Um, no thanks," Flash Fighter said. "Look, we're here to kill you."
"Oh, that is so rude. Whatever did I do to you?"
"You tried to enslave the Megaverse!"
"Oh yes, that!"
Mav and Krieg and Iron Knight stepped forward. "You will die now, foul fiendish, er fiend!" Mav shouted. the trio of merc opened up with all of their weaponry. Krieg unleashed his full Zapper power. When the smoke cleared, The Lord High Rikonian was still standing. He had draped his cloak proectively over Mer Mei. With the artillery finshied, he flipped the cape away. Mer Mai was unharmed.
"By gort!" Iron Knight shouted. "His frickin' cape blocks our weapons!"
"I advise immediate retreat" Iron Knight's computer said.
"For once I agree with ya, little buddy!" Iron Knight ran off.
Radical (the rune sword guy) stood on a balcony. He held a glowing rune sword in one hand, and a rope affxed to a chandalier in the other. "I don't know about this! It's crazy!"
"Yes chum!" the sword said, "but it's crazy for JUSTICE!"
Radiacal swung down and lopped off the head of the Lord High Rikonian with one slice. "Wow! That was easy!"
"Yes, it sure was, wasn't it?" the head said. The body was moving around. "Down here, stupid! I swear, I got all the brains, oh wait, of course I do, I'mt he head!"
The body of the Lord High Rikonian picked up the head and reattached it. Then the Rikonian waved a hand and Radiacal flew backward into a wall, knocking himself out.
Flash Fighter stepped forward. "I will defeat you!"
"Give it your best try!"
"All right! Flying Knuckle Lightning Punch™!"
Flash Fighter flew toward the Rikonian with his fist charged with electricity. The punch and subsequent electrical discharge did not even faze the immortal being.
The Rikonian looked at the stunned Flash Fighter. "Two can play at this game. Quantum Reality Alteration Distortion Wave™!" A quantum reality distortion wave swept through Flash Fighter, moving his subatomic structure around into new bizarre forms. Flash Fighter collapsed on the floor, coughing and wheezing.
"Bah!" Thor shouted, "you shall not withstand the wrath of might Mjolnir!" Thor threw Mjolnir at the Rikonian, who quickly caught the enchanted hammer.
"Hey, give it back!" Thor shouted. "Come on, my dad gave me that!"
Wargod stepped urgently forward. "Rikonian! After seeing this display, I must speak!"
The Lord High Rikonian rolled his eyes. "What?"
"Um, can I join your side?"
"Yeah sure, why not? Anyone else want to switch to my side?"
Most everyone raised their hands. "All righty then!" the Rikonian said, "that settles that!"
The Rikonian casually tossed the hammer out a window. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have an appointment with a transformation circle." The Lord High Rikonian casually drifted toward a door behind his throne.
Knight looked at Thoth, who was just standing there. "Wow, you really helped us, Way to do that whole destiny bit!"
The party of heroes stood staring blankly at the door. Suddenly, the ghostly visage of Enterres appeared to them. "It is as I had feared. The transformation circle, Xy's old spell book being missing..."
"Um, what?!" Xar demanded.
"Oh, er, did I forget to mention that? Oh well, listen! Xy had this spell that was going to make him very powerful, vastly more powerful than he was before! But it failed and he turned into Tho--" Enterres' ghost noticed Thoth standing there, listening to him. "Er, I mean, he vanished!"
* * *
The Lord High Rikonian was on his way to the circle, when JRifter leaped in front of him.
"I will destroy you! The Atlantean said.
"I don't have time for this," the Rikonian said, "so I went on Inprise' Website and ordered JRifter v 3.0." ANother Atlantean slayer stepped forward.
"My gods!" Jrifter said, "he's two full version numbers higher than me! Eep!"
As the Lord High RIkonian was reaching for the handle to the door that led to his transformation circle, Mer Mei stopped him. "Rik, I, I jsut wanted to say, that I think we should..."
The Rikonian stared at her, eyes wide, then quickly spoke. "Er, I'm sensing that you have feelings for me. I am sorry if I led you on, but I'm engaged."
Just then, a beautiful red-haired woman in a white uniform walked into view. "Hi, I'm Lisa," she said.
"Listen, babe," the Rikonian said, "I gotta do this mystic transformation cicle thing. Go to the car and I'll meet you later!"
"Oh crap! Not again!" Mer Mei sulked. "What is it with guys named Rik and redheads?"
* * *
The Lord High Rikonian said a few ancient power words, then stepped toward the circle.
"Stop right there!" a voice shouted. It was AnubisXy, whose head was perched atop Billy Bob Coffin's shoulders.
"I really don't have time for this. I have only one more incantation to read before this transformation circle is complete, and I have to read it while the moon is still at its xenith!"
"Too bad, punk! Because all I have to do is make you wait and then the transformation circle becomes a 'get trapped until the end of time in an endless sleep' circle."
"Yes, too bad I don't have time to waste!" The Lord High Rikonian pulled a glowing sword from the wall. "En guarde!"
"Oh crap, I forgot my sword!" Anubis said.
"Want this one?" The Lord High Rikonian said.
"No thanks, I learned my lesson about picking up glowing swords!"
"Oh, OK, then I shall us the sword!" The Rikonian said as he deftly cut AnubisXy's head off. "Gotta love those natural 20 moments, eh, AX?"
"Billy Bob Coffin looked at the head lying on the floor. "Hey thanks dude, that guy was real annoying!"
Then BruteForze and Timero flew throught he window. "YOur evil ends now, er, evil guy!" BruteForze said.
"Good line," TImero said sarcastically.
"Hey, I'd liek to see you do better, YOu didn't even triii--- ooof!"
The Lord High Rikonian blasted the two space-faring heroes with a bolt of destrucvtive energy, knocking them throught eh castle wall and into the moat below.
A drunken Mekitsune Chumbawumba came wandering in and charged teh Lord High Rikonian. The Lord High Rikonian sliced Mek in half with a particle beam from his fingertips. "That should keep you dead long enough for me to complete what I need to do to insure that I am the most powerful being in all of time and space!"
Just then, FLash FIghter ran intot he room. "Flying Hurts Real Bad Kick!" he shouted as he unleashed his most powerful move.
Of course, the kick did not hurt the Lord High Rikonian, but it did knock him backward, into the circle. The moon not being quite at its zenith, the circle was not yet the great transformation circle. The Lord High Rikonian vanished into an eternal sleep, to awaken only at the end of the Megaverse itself.
Thoth wandered in, looked at the transformation circle, "Hmm, this looks oddly familiar. Yes, I remember now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Xar and Elemental backed slowly away. "Um, you... you... remember?"
"Yeah! That circle reminded me! I need to call the city about the manhole cover outside my house, it's really cracked!"
* * *
Mek reformed a few hours after the debacle, got up, found Bri and got drunk.
* * *
Mav and his team rifted back to RIfts Earth. A CS patrol was waiting for them. They escaped, except for Iron Knight, who was left behind because his onboard computer really annoying everyone else. The CS forces were taking him to prison, but dumped him int he desert a few miles into their journey because they too, were annoyed by the computer.
* * *
"Damn, this still itches!" AnubisXy said as he reached for his neck.
"Don't scratch it! You don't want to pull the stitches out!" A woman said, "you're just lucky that your rat freind brought that fresh headless lawyer body back with him. There's no way KS would have let you keep living on Billy Bob Coffin's neck."
Anubis turned around and looked at his new girlfriend, Elvira. "Hey, I'm not going to pull my stitches out. Damn Rikonian and his damn head lopping minions! Bah! What is on television?"
Elvira turned on the television.
"...And the whole country is talking about AnubisXy!" an announcer said.
"WHAT?! ME?! haha! I'm famous. Take that Weird Al Yankovic! I'm finally out from under your shadow!"
He turned back to the television. "That's right, AnubisXy, the new hit song from Weird Al Yankovic, making fun of a hopelessly inept necromancer..."
"WHAT?!"
"Let's listen, shall we?"
A video clip started. "...my my, this here AnubisXy... Maybe swanky, kind of wanky, creepy necromancer guy..." The song was abruptly stopped by a shoe flying through the TV screen.
"Was that really necessary?" Elvira asked.
"Yeah! Damnit! I'm never going to be more famous than Weird Al!" AnubisXy sulked.
* * *
Snake and DeadBoy went through the Rift to their Earth. Knight and Radical (the rune sword guy) came with them.
"Um, Deadboy, why are they coming with us?"
"I asked them to."
"But they're d-Bees"
"Yes, but they are d-Bees of JUSTICE, chum!"
"Quick! To the Deadmobile!" Prosek shouted.
"Um, we don't have a Deamobile!" DeadBoy said.
"Why not?! You should! Tell you what, when we get back to the CS, I'm having my techs commission you a Deadmobile!"
The five walked through the Rift to the CS. Thor ran after them! "Wait! Karlykins! Come back!"
"There there," Elemental said. "There'll be others, big guy!"
"Yeah *sniff* I guess you're right... hey, don't I know you?"
The Elemental froze. "Um, no! Er, whoops, look at the time! I gotta run!"
* * *
In a formless void, the Lord High Rikonian drifted. Sleeping, dormant, effectively dead. He drifted in a dreamless sleep.
Finally, in a flash of light and heat, he awakened. He wondered what force was strong enough to end his eternal slumber. Then he saw it. The megaverse itself was ending. The Rikonian drifted toward a barren rocky platform surrounded by forces of unimaginable fury and destructive power.
On the platform, the Old Ones rested. As did a few other scattered supernatural beings. The Old Ones huddled in a corner, seething with rage at having all of creation end right at the moment they escaped their prison. Ares was waving his sword around drunkenly, Apsu was sitting on a rock sulking, Lictalon was off by himself, and Thoth was pacing back and forth.
"Oh look, the Lord High Rikonian has deigned to grace us with his presence!" Al-Vil said.
The Rikonian simply landed on the rock and ignored him. He wandered off away from the others.
An old and wizened man stood on a rocky precipice reading from an ancient scroll. The scroll was so long, that most of it stretched out past the protective bubble and was already consumed by the transexistant fires of the end times. But all of the scroll he still needed remained intact. He finally finished the scroll and a fireball shot from his hands into a boulder, shattering it.
Apsu looked at the man. "Wow, you mean after all that time reading the Sacred Scrolls of the Therumancer's Guild, you only did a lousy level six spell?!"
As Thoth paced too close to the Old Ones. Tarm-Kin-Toe reached out a foot and tripped him. Thoth fell and hit his head on a huge rock. The other Old Ones laughed.
Thoth sat up. "Oh, my head hurts. I had the strangest dream. I dreamed I was doing a transformation circle, and it got screwed up, and I turned into this wuss and then the megaverse came to an end and I was stuck dying with you lame-asses." He looked around. "Oh crap..."
Thoth jumped to his feet, suddenly excited. "Aha! Now I recall this rock! I knew there was a reason I put that time portal here!" The others stared at him.
"Oh yes, that's right losers! Haha! Many millions of millenia ago, I Xy, the greatest Old One of them all put a time warp right behind this rock I so conveinetly landed next to a few moments ago. It only allows Old Ones, and will only remain stable for one passenger, so, so long, suckers! HAHA!" Xy leaped behind the rock...
...and landed on the other side of the rocky outcropping. "What the?! That portal was right here!"
Ares wandered over. "Hey look, a note, with the Rikonian Rune on it!"
"Hey, where is the Rikonian?"
"Maybe he went through your portal, hah!"
"Nah, only Old Ones can do that."
"Well, maybe he found a way around it."
Ya-ack-met said "Hey, maybe if we combien our power, we can survive the Ending!"
"Excellent idea!" Xy said. "Old Ones! Huddle aorund! We shall combien our power, to block the destruction and make a new tiem portal!"
They did. In a few minutes, the unimaginable enrgies of the end of all time tore throught he shield that had protected these last few survivors. The combined might of the Old Ones was strong, unbelievably so. But not strong enough. Before they could fully open tehir rift tot he past, the waves of final energies tore through them as well. "I'll get you Rikonian!" Xy shouted.
Then the Megaverse began anew. In a few billion years, it would again support life.
* * *
The time portal opened in America. The Lord High RIkonian stepped out of it. "Hmm, not quite the 1999 I had set it for, but it did well enough. I am on Earth, and not too many decades off." He looked around. he was on a beach. A man was making his way along the rocks below. Someone was following him on horseback. The Rikonian looked over and saw a few apes dressed in robes, astride horses. A quick glance to the side showed the Statue of Liberty, broken and half buried under a mountain of dirt. The Rikonian looked around this wasteland. "My god! YOu blew it all up! YOu bastards blew it all up!"
A voice fromt eh distance yelled "Cut! Get this guy off the set!"
Charleton Heston walked up to the RIkonian. "Hey, buddy, that's my line."
"Chuck Heston? Wow, I'm a big fan of your work?"
"Ah yes, my movies are..."
"YOu make movies?" the Rikonian said, "I was talking about the NRA stuff. Truly inspired!" Then the RIkonian opened a portal to Rikonia and stepped through.
* * *
Lisa sat in the car. "Oh no, the circle went badly, now he's trapped for all eternity in the..."
"Hey, I forgot the keys, can you unlock the doors?" she heard the Rikonian say.
"Rik!" Lisa shouted, "but I thought you were trapped forever!"
"I was. I had to be. You see, that is how I guaranteed my power. I had to be at the Ending, so I could complete a time loop and create myself!"
"Oh, what a relief. And now we can get on with our lives. Especially now that that whole Mer Mei thing is resolved."
"Uh?"
"Yes, I'd really feel better if we didn't see her again, I think she's still in love with you."
"Oh, so then I shouldn't have asked her to sing at the wedding?"
"WHAT?!"
* * *
Above a dark rocky wasteland, a flash of brilliant light. A man appeared on the ground.
"I'll get you Rikonian!" he shouted.
"Yeah, you tell him!" he said.
"Wait, why did you use my mouth to say that?"
"I didn't, I used my mouth."
"Wow, we survived, but the unimaginable forces merges us!"
"Yes, our powers are merged. We are now unstaoppable! Or should I say, I am now unstoppable! HAHAHAHA! Oh yes, I shall get you, Rikonian!"
The last Old One walked. He did not know where. He had gone back to some point in the history of the Megaverse, but he was not in the Megaverse. "Ah... a pocket dimension." Pretty early from the lack of noticable proton decay. Finally, he stopped.
"If I was going to set up a base here, I would put a diamond spired castle right about... there" he said, noticign a diamond spire castle. "Huh, that's funny. Well, I bet the Rikonian is in there! I'll find him!"
The Old One searched for hours, but found no trace of the Old One. "Funny, my 'Evil Mystical Guy Intuition' is telling me that the Lord High Rikonian is in this building, but I cannot for the life of me find him!"
The Old One was puzzled. Then he saw a mirror on the wall and as he looked toward it, he was more than a little shocked to see the Lord High Rikonian's face looking back at him.