THE RIKONIAN WAR
CHAPTER VIII
Having lost their place in line, AnubisXy and Rodimus had to wait for the five Canadian guys (who are the Canadian pop group Barenaked Ladies. I am surprised none of our Canadian friends on these baords noticed that!), but since the Canaidans vaporized everyone else in line, the evil pair did not have to wait long.
"Gordon Lightfoot Canadian Transdimensional Tours, may I help you?"
"Yes, my name is AnubisXy, and I need passage to Rikonia."
"I'm sorry, but we are not making any more trips to Rikonia, the dimension has been closed off. There is absolutely no travel, as it is not safe to... wait a minute, did you say 'AnubisXy'? I think I can get you a flight!"
"Really?"
"Yes, go to docking bay 13. It's the Edmund Fitzgerald."
* * *
"Altair Epsilon Morisette Calzone!" Enterres shouted.
Suddenly, just as he finished the sequence of ancient power words, a gateway opened.
"This gateway shall take us into the dark world of Rikonia! I cannot ask that you follow me into certain death, so anyone who wishes to stay behind may do so, and I will not think any less of you."
"Um, OK" Draconis said. "Catch ya later."
"Yeah, me too," Weasel Boy said.
"Whew! Load off my mind!" Ronin added.
"Hey, if he's not going, I'm not going!" Flash said.
Enterres rolle dhis eyes. "All right! Who is coming with me then?"
"I am!" Knight shouted. "I love ice cream!"
"We are not getting ice cream, we are going to face certain death in the dimension of Rikonia."
"Oh. Well screw that then."
"Oh to hell with it!" Enterres said as he caled forth a massive TK wave to drag his cohorts into the rift.
* * *
Veracusse got out his trusty Ronco™ Pocket Rifterman and was about to step through it, when a voice called out from behind some shrubs.
"Wait! Eh! It's me, Johnny Cannuck! I need to go to Rikonia with you! Eh!"
Tisaphone looked at the guy stumbling out of the forest with the maple leaf on his armor and the backpack full of Molson's. "Hey, eh. I think we should take him with us."
"You think this one will be helpful?" Veracusse asked.
"Not really, eh, but well, that Molson's might be."
"Of course. Besides, if we get stranded we can resort to cannibalism without killing each other."
The two turned back toward Johnny Cannuck. "Ok, eh!" TIs said. "You can come with us, eh!"
* * *
"Dude! That was totally not cool!" Ronin said.
"Um, well, you weren't supposed to take me up on that whole staying behind offer!"
"Wow," Draconis said, "Holy Toyota, this place is a desert!"
The team looked aorund and saw a dusty town with lots of primitive wooden houses. A few horses strolled through the streets. A man in black stood in the street, facing the team. The silver star on his vest glinted in the sunlight.
"Um, this isn't Rikonia!" Enterres said.
"Well now, pardner, that's where yer wrong. This hyar is Dry Gulch, a subdimension of Rikonia, recently established. If'n ya wanna get to Rikonia, ya gots to get through here."
"Ah, OK, then we shall be going then, what is the best way to..."
Enterres was interupted when the guy drew a revolver and started shooting at his feet. "Talk is cheap, shut up and dance. Now then, I happen to be the new shierrif of this town. Name's Billy Bob Coffin, and I was appointed by the Lord High Rikonian himself. And he said no one gets through."
Sheriff Bill Coffin shrugged, reholstered his pistol and walked off. A very relieved Enterres stopped dancing and checked his feet for holes.
* * *
The Edmund Fitzgerald crashed. The spatial containment field was collapsing. The lifeboats were almost full and soon the ship's transspacial stabilizers would go and its component quarks would become dissolute. By all rights, AnubisXy and Rodimus should have died. But two things saved them. First was the policy the captain (a wolfen) had of "women, children and anthropormphic animal creatures first". Second was a luggage mixup that had Anubis' suitcase mixed up with a Norse thunder god's valise.
* * *
"Well Deadboy, I think we lost them!" Snake said.
"Good! Not that I was afraid or anything, just that, you know, the Emperor could be in danger. He is our top prioroty after all!"
"Then how come you held me in front of you when those guys started shooting?" Prosek whined.
"Um, er, uh, yeah, you see the thing about that is, there were some like, uh, ninjas, yeah that's it, ninjas, behind me, and I was protecting you from them!"
"Oh, well good work then soldier!"
"We need a place to hide out until our rifting gizmo recharges," Snake said.
"What about that kareoke bar, I was at, it's right over there!" Prosek pointed at a bar which had lots of guys in leaher outfits going in.
"Um, Karl, were there any women in this bar?" Snake asked.
"Uh, yeah," Prosek explained, "in fact, I met this one real nice blond girl. SHe was German or Nordic or something. A bit on the chunky side, but she had gusto, and..."
Suddenly, the sky was rent with thunder (which is some trick considering this sity is indoors), and a loud booming voice filled the street. "KARL, THERE YOU ARE!"
The trio turned around to see a large Nordic guy with long blond hair and a beard wearing a pink dress and hokding an electrified hammer. "Um, how drunk were you sir?"
"More drunk than I thought," Prosek admitted. "RUN!!!"
The three ran from Prosek, and almost ran right into Mav and his cohorts.
"Aha!" Mav shouted, "we meet again, but shall no tmeet again for a second time because this is our last meeting since I will kill you!"
"YOU WILL NOT HURT KARL-KINS!" the Norse god of thunder bellowed.
* * *
Xar and Elemental had broken off from the rest of the group. "Trust me," Elemental was saying, "these guys are powerful mystics. They can help us."
The two had been walking for over an hour through the forest before they came to the clearing. A gathering of wizards stood before them. The leader stepped forward. "I am Brother Jeremy of the Therumancers Guild. We are the sole masters of Therumancy."
"That is great," Elemental said. "Now, can you defeat the Lord High Rikonian?"
"But of course," the Therumancer said, "all we must do is read from the sacred scrolls of Therumancy!"
He motioned, and several of the other wizards ran into the tent and began dragging a long scroll from the tent.
Seeing the huge expanse of yellowed paper the attendants were gathering, Xar nervously asked, "um, that's the scroll?"
"Oh heavens no!" Brother Jeremy said. "This is just the preamble to the scroll. It's in that big castle there!" He pointed to a huge castle with ream upon ream of paper billowing out of every window and door.
Xar turned to Elemental. "Um, I think this will take a while."
* * *
The sheriff was sitting in the saloon when Ronin finally found him. "Sheriff Coffin! You're gonna tell us where that portal to Rikonia is!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"We'll just see about that!" Sheriff Billy Bob Coffin said as he got up from his stool and began to draw his gun.
Ronin stood for a second, then tensed for a leap. "Flying Ronin Splatter Chi Punch Combo!" he shouted as he leaped toward Billy Bob Coffin.
"Um, Revolver Draw Trigger Pull Death Shot!" Billy Bob Coffin shouted as he drew his gun and shot Ronin.
"Ouch! That hurt!" Ronin shouted as he fell to the floor.
Just then, the other heroes burst into the saloon. Flash Fighter ran to Ronin to see if he could help, but it was too late, the wound was mortal. "Um, you're dying and all, but you'll still appear to me and give me guidance, right?"
"Who do I look like, Obi Wan frickin' Kenobi?! When I die, I'm haunting a sorority house!" And with that, Ronin passed on.
The gang converged on Billy Bob Coffin. "You're going to pay for that!" Draconis shouted.
"Oh yeah, I can shoot alla you before you reach me!"
Weasel Boy stepped forward. "Actually, there's me, Draco, Enterres, Flash Fighter, Drakenred, and Knight. That's six. You've just got a six shooter and you already fired one shot, so one of us would be left to kill you."
"Um, well, would you ming lining up, please?"
Draconis got behind Flash Fighter, and Weasel Boy got in front odf the two of them before Enterres shouted "Hey, stop that you idiots!"
Billy Bob was just about to attack the rest of the heroes when a mass of tentacles with a single giant eye appeared. It coallesced into a human form with thick glasses and a beard. "Billy Bob, are you putting off Shining Sentinel Station Suburb City again?"
"Um, well Kevin, you see, this wierd entity made me a shieriff and all and I gotta..."
"SILENCE!" Kevin shouted. "You will return and you will write that book or I'll force you to read the entire archived history of Therumancer rants, with no rest breaks!"
"No! Anything but that! That's over 10 million pages! I'd never be able to see straight again after reading that much in one sitting! OK, I'll go finish Centurion Megacity Super Delux or whatever we're calling it this week!"
* * *
Ronin's eyes opened. He looked around and saw that he was in a dark moldy damp cave. "Wow, this sure is a dumpy sorority house! Hey, are you Weird Al Yankovic?!"
"No, I am AnubisXy, necromancer supreme, and you will help me to destroy those pesky heroes, and the Lord High Rikonian..."
On to Chapter 9