Main Page	THE RIKONIAN RANT
	Trouble Sustaining Elections?			October 29, 1999
				Current Column

Jesse The Body Ventura is forever associated with a profession where clownish bafoons grandstand and shout and everything is faked. He was also a wrestler.
The Body now prefers to be called "the Mind" (the only thing worse than being pretentious is being a pretentious wrestler), and has stated that he might run for president. And if he did, he would have a chance. Yes, my fellow Americans, the Greatest Nation on Earth has been reduced to a state where a man who once beat up on guys in underwear while wearing a feather boa could become our leader. And sadly, I would probably vote for him.
But hey, let's check out the competion first: Al "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Dave" Gore is running for the Democratic nomination. Gore is an extremist environmentalist who has stated that the autombile is the greatest enemy of the environment. But hey, he invented the Internet. Well, not really, he just said that so Bill would feel indebted to him for all the free porn). Gore has also been involved in much of the unethical, immoral, and illegal schemes that Damien, er, I mean Bill, has masterminded. Gore even acted as bag-man collecting Chinese payoffs.
The Republicans give us George W. "If'n ah say read my lips even once, pappy'll smack me upside the head with a shovel!" Bush. Bush, or "Dubya" as he is called (which would go down in history as the dumbest Presidential nickname, beating out Taft's old nickname of Lard-Butt), is most famous for snorting coke and branding fraternity members on the buttocks. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we may very well elect an ass-brander, which hasn't happened since Grover Cleveland's election.
A few short years ago, these woudl be the only candidates, and we would be forced to choose one of these cretins. But thanks to the Deformed, er I mean Reform, sorry, Party, we have a lot more cretins to choose from. The aforementioned Jesse Ventura (who is looking more an dmore to be the smartest man in politics) hasn't decided to run yet, but Donald "I have all this money but I won't buy medicine for my constipation" Trump has. Yes, The Donald (another contender for stupidest presidential nickname) could be our next president. And Pat "hey, come on, Hitler wasn't that bad a guy now was he?" Buchanon is running. Yes, Pat Buchanon could be our next, um, no he couldn't. But it's funny to watch him get all excited when he thinks he can. Kind of like watching Charlie Brown try to kick that football, you know, except Charlie Brown isn't a Nazi.
But surely, with this vacuum, someone worthy of the title will run! Surely someone of the caliber of a... Warren Beatty? Can't say I'm surprised he's running. I mean, once he found out how much the Prez gets laid, it was only a matter of time before he threw his hat intot he ring. Warren is a legend for getting chicks, so at least his sex scandals won't be as embarassing as Bill Cliton's were. Yes, Warren would get caught getting blowjobs from interns, but these interns would be a LOT mroe attractive.
Why are our standards so low? Two words: Bill Cliton. Nine more words: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" Let's face it, Bill Cliton has pulled so much crap since getting into office, that John Gotti would be a moral improvement. I'd like to take a moment to list soem of Bill's misdeeds, but AOL is only giving me 20 megabytes of server space.
Who am I voting for? After much deliberation, I decided to vote for George Dubya Bush, coke habit and stupid nickname and all. Hey, maybe his State of the Union Address will be more entertaining, "My fellow Americans, we as a nation must fight to keep taxes down, keep our strrets safe, and for God's sake... GET THESE SPIDERS OFF OF ME!!! AAARGH!!!"