Main Page	THE RIKONIAN RANT
	My New Job?			September 20, 1999
				Current Column

OK, we all go through a point in our lives where we look around and say, "Hey, this sucks ass."
Well, I have reached that point,a nd I have decided that I may want to change careers. So I decided to apply for a new job. But I have to find just the right one. Anyway, I've narrowed it down to this list.
Astronaut: Hey, this is a cool job. Just go up to any woman,a nd say, "Hey, baby, I'm an astronaut," and you'll get laid. Of course I could always just lie. But hey, just going up into space would be pretty cool. Uh, then again, I would have to wear a diaper. Yes, that's right, part of the space suit is a big diaper. Makes sense because they haven't made a toilet yet that canbe used in space. Except on Star Trek. No, wait a minute. I've never seen a toilet on Star Trek either. No one ever says "excuse me, I have to take a dump." Maybe they use the transporters to void wastes. No wonder Barclay was so scared to ride the damn things.
Pope: Cool job. You get a cool hat, a bunch of underlings, and hey, have you seen the Vatican? That place is huge! Plus, the pope gets a bulletproof car! And I bet it's got other James Bond stuff too, like smoke screens, oil slicks, and bumper mounted machineguns! Plus, that Pope hat really has a small mini missile in it. Not only that, but the Pope drinks for free. See, bartenders figure that Catholics won't protest a bat the Pope drank at. And as for Protestants, well if you get on the Pope's good side, he can send a squad of bishops, 90% of whom are cyborgs or androids! I'm not Catholic, though, so I probably won't get this job.
MIB: OK, this would be my dream job. I would get to boss people around, I would know the truth about UFOs, because I would have seent eh photos. Hey, you gotta look at the alien photos you're stealing, because it's embarassing to get back to your MIB HQ and find out you stole that reporter's slides from his European vacation ("Well, boss. Technically, these are picture of aliens").
Evil Mastermind: OK, this is a long range goal. I mean, I will need to invest a lot of money in stuff like underground lairs, evil genetically mutated henchmen, lasers, and silver-plated nehru jackets. Plus I'll probably at some point be expected to actually try to take over the world or something, so I'll need a death ray or robot army. Hopefully, my mutual funds will help offset this cost.
President of the United States: I get to know a lot of secret stuff, I get a briefcase that can launch nuclear missiles (just hope I don't get stuck in traffic without my Nintendo Game Boy™, or it could get messy). Of course, the prospect of getting lots of oral sex is a nice bonus.