Main Page	THE RIKONIAN RANT
	Don't Have Sex With Monkeys			September 3, 1999
				Current Column

I just saw Outbreak again. Not the whole movie, but enough screen time to go "Oh hey look, it's Outbreak!). Anyway, Outbreak is a movie about Ebola. Only they don't call it Ebola. One of those "the names were changed to protect the innocent and lethal viruses" deals, I suppose. Maybe the Ebola virus didn't like the book and didn't give permission to use its name. I don't like that Ebola virus, it's a little bastard sometimes, you know.
Anyway, in this movie, Ebola (or Mataba as they call it) comes from a monkey. And scientists say HIV came from a monkey. In fact, most diseases we have ultimately trace their origins to monkeys.
HIV is the worst disease to come from monkeys and really hit our species. The question is, how did it happen? HIV is spread primarily through sex, surgery with unsanitized quipment, and sharing needles. Now monkeys don't usually get operated on. They can't even get insurance. Think about it, they're MONKEYS. They have all these funky monkey viruses like Ebola and Blue Cross is going to cover them? And monkeys don't do drugs either, to the best of my knowledge. There was a rumor about Micky Dolenz using heroin, but it was later proved false. So, HIV must have been spread from monkeys to people through sex.
"But no one is having sex with monkeys," you might say. Well, I might have agreed with you, but a friend of mine swears he saw a woman and a donkey in Mexico, and well hell, monkeys are closer to human than donkeys! In fact, I think she was really SUPPOSED to have sex with a monkey, but there was a typo on the animal request form (It is only one letter difference) and by the time it was delivered it was too late to go out and get a monkey, so she went with the donkey.
Still, why would anyone want to have sex with a monkey? Well I wondered too, until I recalled the ancient African legend of the Lost Explorer. This Lost Explorer was lost in the woods (well, duh!), and he started to get horny. He finally came to a village but there were no women. When he asked the tribal chief where their women were, the chief just pointed at this pen with a gorup of camels. The Lost Explorer was desparate, but not that desparate. So he left, but he kept going in circles and ending up back at this village. Finally he came to the village in the middle of the night. No one was around so he slipped into the camel pen and started doing his business with a camel, at which point it made so much noise it woke the tribal elder who came out of his tent, saw this and laughed. When the poor Lost Explorer asked what was so funny, the tribal elder said "If the Foo shits, wear it!" No wait, that's not it. Oh well. Anyway, the Lost Explorer and the tribal chief probably had a good laugh about htis later. But maybe another lost explorer came upon this village, and before he could get back, saw a monkey sitting there. He might have thought "Well, it's not human, but it's closer than that ugly camel..."
Still, let's say you manage to find a monkey without any horrible plague. There is still one more reason to avoid having sex with monekys. A very important reason. Even though scientists assure us that a pervert out boffing monkeys can't get one pregant, that is no guarantee that it won't someday happen. Well I have news for you. The world is full of people who were concieved when scientific insight implied that it should have been impossible. "I used a condom," "I had a vasectomy," "We're both guys," and "but she's a monkey." OK, the last two haven't produced a pregnancy yet, but that is no guarantee that they never will. And you know what happens when a human gets a monkey pregnant? Evil mutant supergenius talking apes! That's what happens. So you may think that it's all right to have sex with monkeys, but if you keep this up this nasty behavior, it'll be a madhouse... a MADHOUSE!!!
Sadly, there are negative influences out there. Influences which may drive an impressionable youth to sex with monkeys. Wizard Magazine, a popular comic book and sci-fi news magazine runs a feature showcasing the exploits of a "superhero" called Keep Squeezing Them Monkeys Lad. Sadly, squeezing monkes may lead to sex with monkeys. And even if it is accidental, once that evil mutant supergenius talking ape is born and gets his hands, er paws on that death ray, the damage is done. And who is going to save us from this evil talking ape? Wizard? Somehow I doubt that

Paid for by the Society to Prevent Monkey Sex