PETA has done it again. The animal rights agency, which is apparently named after a type of bread, has made a complete ass out of itself with its new "Got Beer?" ad campaign. Apparently, according to PETA, milk is really really bad for you and will kill you horribly if you drink it. But beer, on the other hand, is a highly nutritious drink which has lots of vitamins and minerals or something. So we should all stop drinking milk, avoid all dairy products, and go to the bar and guzzle all the beer we can fit into our bloated red-nosed, speech-slurring, hitting-on-butt-ugly-women-because-our-vision-is-so-blurred-we-think-we're-hitting-on-Cindy-Crawford selves.
Yes, you heard that right. PETA claims that milk causes such afflicitons as cancer, heart disease, ebola, leprosy, and Frenchness. But not to worry, because beer has fiber and is good for you. This must be true. After all, Boris Yeltsin, Dudley Moore and Ted Kennedy are perfect specimens of health. Be sure to watch out for the next PETA campaign, "Hey, put down that beef patty, and go smoke a fatty!"
The PETA guys claim it's our health they're worried about, but when asked (I know because I saw two shows, and listened to one radio interview with PETA people), they can't back it up. The general interview goes like this...
Host: "Hello, our guest tonight is a member of PETA, who says we should drink beer, not milk."
PETA dork: "yes, that's right. You see, milk causes cancer"
Host: "But, I was raised to believe milk is healthy."
PETA Dork: "Nope, you drink milk, you die."
Host: "But milk's good for your bones."
PETA Dork: "Uh, well, milk is bad for you."
Host: "I'd like to see the study that you drew this conclusion from."
PETA Dork: "Uh, well, er, milk is inhumane to cows"
Host: "I thought you were telling us it's bad for us. Can you back that up or can't you?"
PETA Dork: "Ah, no I can't back that up."
Host: "So, Rikonian was right about you guys, then?" PETA Dork: "Uh, pretty much so." Host: "Moron"
In one interview, a PETA dork said of the dairy process, "look, if you were doing this stuff with cats, you'd go to jail, but it's OK to do it to cows?" Yes, that's right. If you strap a bunch of cats to machines and try to sell their milk, you probably would be brought up on charges. But so what, these are cows. That's why they exist! Milk and steak, that's it! I mean, have you ever seen a cow? It's a big lumbering stupid creature. Farm kids have hours of fun going up to them and tipping them over. Now I ask you, is this an animal that could survive in the wild? If we let all the cows go, then the wolves would tip them over and share their carcasses with the bears. I don't see why PETA is so upset about milk anyway. I mean, it's better for the cows than how they get the steak, isn't it?
Ironically, while the slight decrease in milk consumes did not help cows in the slightest, the increase in beer consumes lead to the horrible deaths of approx. 75 cows who were hit by drunk drivers.
Besides, what PETA does not tell you is that, while beer may be healthier than milk, there are even healthier drinks out there. Drinks like kitten blood. Yes, nothing refreshes like a nice cool glass of blood from a freshly butchered kitten.

This column paid for by the National Cat Meat Association. Kittens, they're what's for dinner!