Main Page	THE RIKONIAN RANT
	New Fall Season '99			September 10, 1999
				Current Column

Well, I just perused the big New Fall Season issue of TV Guide™, and I must say I feel sorry for firemen everywhere. For years they've waited for their moment in the sun. For years they've had to explain to their sons that fireman is just a job name and that no, Daddy isn't a superhero. Now, after all this time, they finally get a TV show. Well, not quite. You see, NBC is giving us Third Watch. A show about firemen, and cops, and paramedics. Yes, that's right, after all this time, the firemen have to share their moment in the sun with a bunch of cops and paramedics. Why? Are NYPD Blue and ER not hiring this season?
Actually, they weren't going to call it Third Watch. The original name was COps & Paramedics & Firemen. But there is a big ampersand shortage in the TV biz this year. We already have Law & Order, Will & Grace, Dharma & Greg, Malcolm & Eddie, 2 Guys & a Girl & a Pizza Place (which, to help the industry in this troubling ampersand shortage agreed to drop the Pizza Place), and of course, the Food Channel's smash hit Macaroni & Cheese.
Now we can look forward to Freaks & Geeks, Jack & Jill, Once & Again which is not to be confused with Now & Again, and yet another Law & Order. They could have just combined some of the old shows, if they needed new ampersand shows so badly. Coming this fall... Will & Order. The story of two separate but equal sides of justice: The cops who bring in the criminals, and the gay lawyers that prosecute them.
But at least Jack & Jill is original, it's makers say. Because, hey! Jack's a girl and Jill's a guy! This is jsut TV trying to trick people into being gay again. After the show premiere's there's gonna be at least one guy at a water cooler talking to his friends who didn't quite pay attention to the show going "Oh, yeah, I'd like to get a piece of that Jill. What? Jill's the guy?!" "You know what that means, you're gay now Ed! Haha!" "Hey! I get dibs on his wife!" Hmm. maybe that's not it. Maybe they're just trying to trick Will into being straight. Which would suck, because then I would have no chance at all with Grace.
Not all the shows are just ampersand rehashes. SOme look like they actually may have promise. Like Now & Again (or was that Once & Again), where a subway hits John Goodman and they put his brain into a genetically engineered cyber-enhanced body. Because, of course, John Goodman's brain is a great tactical asset. The Iraqis have already put Tom Arnold's brain in a giant robot. They should have put it in Shwartzennegger's body. Then he would be Arnold Arnold.
And Action looks good. Jay Moore as an up-and-coming Hoolywood mogul type. Kind of like the Arli$$ of Hollywood? What I am really thankful for about this is that Fox and HBO didn't get together and make an agent show called Arli$$ & Action. No, they're saving that for the cop show spinoff.
We have spinoffs too. Unfortunately, they are sucky spinoffs. OK, the Law & Order one might be good (but it would be better with Sammo in it. Martial Law & Order!). But you cannot tell me that any thought went into Ally. "It's a half hour of shows we couldn't put in the real show because they were only a half hour long." Yeah, like you couldn't wait until you had two and put them together. But hey, this show has bloopers. What is an Ally McBeal blooper? "Oh my god! Callista accidentally ate a sandwich!"
This is the crap they put on instead of the cool shows they took off last season like Brimstone. And Cupid, that was a good show. But I hear they have a midseason replacement: Ares. William Ragsdale has to convince 100 nations they don't really like each other. Watch for Cupid to guest star in an episode where he's trying to match up Madaline Albright and Saddam Hussein while Ares is trying to make the US and Iraq go to war. OK, I made that up, but we will need something. Our supply of televised gods is dwindling. Hercules is on it's last season. As could be X-Files. "Scully! I've uncovered the truth! The whole government conspiracy is being masterminded by Ares and Joxer!"
Actually, I think that Malcom in the Middle may be a spinoff of Malcolm & Eddie, but I was too depressed to read the listing. Well, no time to check anyway, Dharma and Order is coming on.