Main Page	THE RIKONIAN RANT
	The Blair Bitch Project			September 1, 1999
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As those of you who saw my movie review page know, last week I saw the Blair Witch Project. I went in expecting to be disappointed, but I was surprised. Surprised by just how disappointed I could be in the movie. I read in Time that it took like $30,000 to make this movie. Normally in today's effects and salary driven cinematic climate, when you hear that, you go "Wow! It only cost $30,000? How'd they manage that?" but after seeing the Blair Bitch Project, my reaction was "Wow! It cost $30,000? What the fuck did they spend it on?"
I thought that, because, really, I didn't see anything that looked like any money was spent on it. Or time for that matter. No monster in this film, but you do see rocks! Ooh! A pile of rocks! And little twig guys hanging from trees! This is not to say that there was nothing scary in the movie. That extreme close up of that chick's nostrils was scary. And the realization that I actually gave up three of my hard earned dollars (well three of my dollars, at any rate) to view this infernal dreck. That was also scary. Not to mention the fact that that is ninety minutes of my life that I'll never get back.
The film cops out rather than resolve anything. I mean, sure we see the guy standing in the corner muttering at the end, but maybe he's taking a leak. Hell, when I have to take a leak, sometimes I mutter stuff. We don't ever find out if it was the witch, some kids playing a joke, or some serial killer. But we do know one thing. These guys had a DAT (digital audio tape). We know this, because every five seconds someone would say "Hey, do we have the DAT?" or "Damn, the DAT's batteries are low" or "Hey, I think we should mention our DAT, just in case anyone watching this doesn't know we have one"
Actually, even though this movie is hopelessly evasive, I have figured out the secret. I know who the Blair Witch is. It is Charles Darwin. Darwin, as most of you know, is a famous dead guy who discovered evolution. Darwin, being dead and all, has freaky dead guy evil superpowers. Seeing these three idiots, Darwin goes "Aw man! Those three could reproduce some day, and that would screw up my evolution thing!" So he did what you or I would do if we were dead guys who discovered evolution and we had freaky dead guy powers. He used his dead guy superpowers to remove the three offending specimens.
Unfortunately, Mr. Darwin missed two. The two guys who produced this piece of crap. Come on, Darwin! Get your dead superpowered ass back in the Beagle and sail back to our earthly world and start piling rocks and shit outside of these guy's homes.
These guys take all the credit for this movie, but really, they didn't do shit. The three actors (?) ad libbed all their lines (so it's them who have the DAT obsession) and did their own camera work (which sucked, by the way. I had a headache for three hours after that movie was over). Speaking of cameras, these guys were too fucking cheap to really buy one. They bought one from Circuit City, filmed this piece of shit, then returned it. Damn, how I wish they had left the tape in it. Then we would have been spared this crap.